Totem of My Soul: Mythology 101: Battle of the sexes

When I was a child, I heard the term "battle of the sexes" and asked what it meant. I was told it pertained to the conflict between men and women concerning what they each want and their different points of view. I remember being guided to believe men and women wanted different things, expect different things, strive to achieve different things, and even have different, gender-specific roles in society. Now older and wiser, I don't believe that is entirely true. Male or female, we all want love, acceptance, respect, room to grow and achieve the best we can be, and peace between cultures and between the sexes.

Regardless of how I was raised, I never took it seriously being told that boys and girls had gender-specific roles. While I very much loved playing with my baby doll and terrorizing my loving, patient cats with tea parties and weddings to each other, I liked playing a good game of football, baseball, and tracball. I loved dressing up in my mom's or sisters' old dresses and going out into the yard to play with my brother's archery set and blowgun. As a teenager, I flirted with the boys I was beating at basketball played with the hoop in my front yard, or the boys I defeated in go-cart or car races or arcade games. When I wasn't wearing heels and styling my long curly hair for a dance, I was in shorts and high-tops racing my neighbor's dog along the wooded canal behind our house.

I was told often by one sister that I would never attract a boy by acting so unladylike and being a "tomboy". That same sister advised me to always let a boy be right in an argument because they didn't like being wrong and didn't like women who knew more than them. I learned from the boys with whom I associated that she was wrong, and I've learned as an adult that any man worth having accepts that he doesn't know everything and is secure enough to accept and intelligent enough to know that a woman being right isn't a threat to his manhood. A strong intelligent man wants a strong intelligent woman at his side. That's good because I have never been one to stroke someone's ego at the expense of my own dignity and intelligence.

Times are a bit different now with society more readily accepting women in traditionally men's sports, men's jobs, and men's interests. Men are, also, finding an accepted place in women's activities. Although socially acceptable, we still find men and women who disapprove for various reasons. This disapproval causes them to treat their own gender with rude and sometimes cruel regard.

Some people were simply raised to believe in things like "a woman's place is in the kitchen," "women are the weaker sex," "men aren't supposed to cry," "men aren't the nurturing parent, it's the mother,""men can look at scantily clad women other than their wife, but women cannot look at men other than their husband," "men can be sexually active outside of marriage as an expression of his manliness, but women who have lovers outside the confines of marriage are sluts and whores," etc.. The double standard is taught through generations. The cycle can only stop when we let go of our own short-sightedness and start teaching our children simple things like respect for others, for ourselves, not judging those different from us, and fairness.

Some disapprove because they are afraid. Men are afraid of being bested by a woman, and women are afraid of not measuring up to women who can succeed. Men who are insecure with their own sense of accomplishment make other men feel inferior if they don't measure up. Women who do accomplish such things tend to look down their nose at women who can't. The attitudes come from lack of self-confidence and arrogance and serve to further alienate our genders - male vs. female and gender vs. its own kind.

Personally speaking, while I believe women have every right to expand their skills, I believe that men and women should have their own roles in a relationship. This belief seems to contradict what I've said so far, doesn't it? The reasons I feel this way stem from an understanding of the history of our evolution as not only men and women but as humans, in general.

What I have learned is that quite simply, men aren't evolving and women are stuck taking up the slack. This has turned women into undesirable tyrants. I know it sounds like I'm coming down hard on the men, but really, it's both. Men progress slower than women mentally and emotionally, so they tend to take a while to understand what's going on around them and adjust/accept it. The confrontation comes when women expect them to change overnight and then wage a gender war when they do not.

Let's follow the pattern backwards to discover the root of this so-called "battle of the sexes". We'll start with the women's suffrage movement and NOW.

In 1880, Mrs. H. Griswold wrote in a letter to Susan B. Anthony: "Words fail to convey the bitter hatred I have for the foul demagogues who would take from me the freedom they claim for themselves." In 1909, Emma Goldman wrote "A New Declaration of Independence," in which she declared the self-evident truth that all human beings "irrespective of race, color, or sex" are born with equal rights. About a decade later, Margaret Sanger explained the "morality of birth control" in a speech so titled.

As admirable and heroic as these leaders of equality were, the feminist movement, dominated by NOW (National Organization of Women), eventually made it tabu for a man to open a door for a woman, pull out her chair, help her reach something on the top shelf... I remember the mantra of the 90's woman: "I am not weak! I can pull out my own chair and open my own door!", ushering in the era of men no longer lifting a finger to show a woman respect. For years after that, I never had a door opened for me, was expected to follow behind a man entering a building rather than the man stepping aside to let me enter first, or even an innocent tip of a hat to my presence. Feminism backfired and gave us the same kind of man from which NOW claimed to be rescuing us.

Feminism began because women had had enough of being slapped around and being expected to "keep quiet and do as you're told" as if our husbands were our fathers/masters. Even mothers were teaching their daughters to put up with spousal abuse by men who were rich: "Just keep your mouth shut and stop making him angry! He's a doctor/lawyer and you won't do any better!" Fathers weren't standing up for their daughters because they were the ones who showed them a wife's place by how they treated their own. "Spousal rape" was treated as a joke. If a father beat his child, it was his wife's fault for not raising the child properly.

I don't believe the more violent aspect of this attitude was commonplace, but it did exist and was swept under the rug much of the time. Men responsible for such behavior created more men by raising their sons to behave like that, and their sons created such men, and so forth. With men holding key positions in politics and the legal system, fear grew that we were headed for a throw back to the Dark Ages of women as sex slaves and commodities.

SIDE NOTE:

Today, this has become a fettish - domination, master and slave -

where men brainwash women into believing being hit and raped

as punishment for some imaginary offense is therapeutic and erotic.

Many men fill the role of "slave" now, as well.

A couple's fantasies are their right, but what has happened to us

as a society and as a species that turned domestic violence and

emotional/mental abuse into a sexual fantasy?

It was during that time that women allowed to work were expected to do the same job as a man in the office but paid considerably less. Advancement was mostly for men, not women, but any woman who did find herself being promoted either had to do so on the sofa of her boss's office or was accused of such. Working mothers were treated with disdain, neglectful of their child and "not a good mother". If a woman complained of anything from treatment by her spouse to health concerns, it was "all in her head" or her fault for being "willful". Thus, the feminist movement was born as a counter move to protect us.

SIDE NOTE:

My own mother died of colon cancer because

the doctors didn't treat her soon enough.

She had been seeking help for a year because

she wasn't feeling right, and doctor after doctor - all men

would tell her it was in her head or female issues

and to just deal with it like all women should.

By the time she finally did get a doctor to listen, it was too late.

He said if she had been treated from the beginning,

they could have removed the malignant areas

and she would have been okay. Six months later

and eight days before Christmas, she passed away.

I was 11.

Let's go back a bit further, though, when roles typically held by women and those by men were happily accepted.

Women actually enjoyed staying at home to do the cooking, cleaning, sewing, and mothering while men went to work all day. Those days weren't as bad for women as some try to portray. It wasn't all work and slaving over a stove while nine kids tugged at mommy's dress and cried at her feet. The genders had their roles because it's what got things done and filled a family's life with purpose and accomplishment.

Women had many avenues of entertainment throughout the ages, just as men have had jousting, fencing, blacksmithing, golfing, poker, fishing, working on cars, etc... For women, there was weaving, archery, fox hunts, falconry, organizing every aspect of the house and celebratory events, women's baseball (my mother was on a team in the 50's), volleyball (again, my mom), equestrianism (yep, mom), book clubs, quilting, photography, writing, art, etc... Women were not confined with a chain to their homes to be a slave to their men, contrary to stereotypes.

I'm not saying domestic violence didn't happen or that DV was treated as seriously as it should have been, but it wasn't as common as people seem to think. It was not acceptable to slap your wife if you came home and the dinner was late. It was not acceptable to rape your wife if you were in the mood and she was not. I realize there are people who don't want to believe this, but men simply were not the barbarians feminism has made them out to be during that time. My father fell in love with my mother because she was strong, independent (in college for drafting), intelligent, and could best him in an argument.

Demonizing men was important for groups like NOW to gain support for their controversial demands of change in the workplace for women and change in attitudes regarding sex and parenthood. They got carried away and it snowballed into the dissidence we see today. Their reasons were understandable and admirable, but feminists became power hungry and managed to alienate the sexes, make men afraid to initiate even a conversation, and make women feel ashamed for wanting to be female. It became normal and trendy for a woman to pursue a man, then feminists wanted to hang a man for assuming that same woman wanted sex. Feminists wanted women to be the aggressor and a timid fawn at the same time. The movement became a contradiction to the very nature of being human and especially of being female.

What the feminist movement ultimately did was make life worse for women. It was a movement borne out of necessity for equality, but became a monster of domination and greed. We lost gentlemen and gained "dogs" who think nothing of calling women "bitches" and "hos". We turned into desperate nymphomaniacs who see nothing undignified about chasing men and offering him sex to compete with other desperate women. Our standards have dropped because we have been trained to believe chasing after and catching a man we can control is all that matters. Men worth having are not attracted to such women, so those who behave as such end up with trash that treats them like door mats and punching bags.

Something NOW failed to consider (possibly because they didn't want to) was the evolutionary speed of men vs. women. Emotionally and mentally, we evolve faster. That isn't an insult to men. It's just how it works. Therefore, while men were still trying to carry on being what they were taught to be, women began to expect them to change over night and accept themselves in an inferior role. They didn't ask for a gradual change or even for an understanding. It was a protest, a war cry full of demands and immediate expectations, "I am woman! Hear me roar! (and take away all of your rights to make room for mine.)" What was supposed to make us partners became an effort to make men into servants and women into goddesses. Why would any man roll over and accept such a thing? I don't accept that attitude and I'm a woman!

I can take this back to the beginning of religion, when powerful female spiritual leaders were slandered, demonized, and vilified by invading patriarchal societies, but that would veer this conversation into a religious one. I will go back to the middle ages, when the attitudes of today can most directly find roots.

First, let me share this image. It's an interesting one, fascinating, in fact! You see, it was posted on two very different pages on Facebook. One page is directed at the empowerment of women. The other is a self-proclaimed "boys' club." I read the comments on each page and the sociological aspect is electrifying.

Here is the image:

Here are the two pages where it was found:

What Evolved Women Want

Only For Men (cool)

Some of the comments on the WEWW page are (these are all from women):

"...This woman is a 'mom' - not a wife or girlfriend or partner. Support & positive energy is one thing, but this woman sounds like a doormat."

"I think there's far less chance of women finding the same in a man, and therefore this photo needs reversing."

"Oh I WAS a real doormat too, I saved him, put him first, set him up, told him he was wonderful every single day...it's never enough, they are energy vampires!
Not good for anyone, not a good example for my girls.
I am awakened & the moment I whiff a scent of neediness, or a desire for me to save them-on a date, I am out of there, it doesn't matter how much money they have, never again!
I am a mother to 3 beautiful children, I wish to attract an equal, a man, a partner. I am patient, it will happen, no hurry here!"

"Yeah, I tried to be that woman, and "mom" was an apt description for what it turned out to be."

"Such a woman would want an evolved man"

"A real women does not want a son for a husband!"

Comments from the OFM(c) page (these are all from men):

"Very rare to find!!!"

"If a woman like this existed, they'd put her on display.... Thanks for the laugh.."

"Yeah but no women like this exist, at all!!!! Everybody us out for themselves this day and time!!!!"

"They don't exist anymore they just don't, find someone who won't cheat on you and doesn't do hardcore drugs and give her a ring and hooe you don't get divorced in three years"

"No such thing anymore! I truly thought I was married to one of those until she cheated on me multiple times."

"There is a lot of women out there like that, but some men are too stupid to recognize them."

"The only woman you will find like that now days is your Mother..."

"whats the opposite of chauvinism cause i always see about women supporting men but i have never EVER seen something about how we men support our women."

Surprising, right? The contrast and even some of the attitudes. There were women on both pages saying they fit the description, husbands who commented that their wives fit the description, women who say they enjoy being like that, and men who acknowledged treating women like that badly. Feel free to visit both pages if you're interesting in reading them all for a more thorough comparison. I just pulled the comments that reflected the majority attitudes on their respective threads.

I commented on the one for the men's page with this:

"We DO exist but we aren't going to do all of those things for a man who doesn't deserve us. Unfortunately, it is the real men who are a rarity. We can't have you be both tender and strong at the same time. That is just such a foreign concept to men now days. You get what you give.

We protect our hearts with a steel cage now and only give the key to the men we can trust to love us unconditionally and faithfully, not be afraid of showing that love and loyalty to his friends, support us in our own goals - and recognize that we do have our own journeys that don't revolve around pleasing you, never put us down to make himself feel bigger, never raise his voice or his hand, and treat us like a partner instead of a whore who gets you a beer and a "sammich."

All of those jokes and attitudes about women being inferior, only good for kitchen and bedroom duties, "bros before hos," etc.. remind us daily that men are taking slower to evolve and frustrating us to the point of refusing to settle anymore. We're learning to be independent not because we want to be but because it beats the hell out of being taken for granted and treated like shit.

The next time you "like" a joke like that or find yourself thinking like that, remember yourself saying how real women don't exist and ask yourself if maybe, just maybe it's your fault for scaring them away.

If you cannot find a woman described in this image when we are all around you, figure out what you are doing to not deserve finding us. We are everywhere. We just aren't going to be doormats anymore."

Almost like a prophesy, I found comments on that thread like this:

"Today women arnt like that kuz chicks think they can do anything"

"go make me a fkn sandwich."

The second one was directed at a spammy comment posted by a desperate woman looking for men. I shared his annoyance but here again is the classic woman-bashing comment that represents everything that turns us off and away.

Now, the first one is a great example of the kind of man that is undesirable to the kind of woman men cry about wanting. Get an education! Tidy yourself up, stand straight, look confident and act confident - but not arrogant. If you don't know the difference, you aren't evolved and that's why we don't want you. I'm not making fun of men who can't spell or write proper grammar. It isn't about that. It's about the effort, and if you cannot make an effort to compose a well-thought out sentence with logically spelled words, then you show little care about yourself. And if you don't care about yourself, you aren't going to care about your girlfriend, wife, or children. "kuz," "chicks," and a disagreeable attitude about the progress of women guarantee that a good woman will never want you.

I, also, found this picture. This is the kind of man women want. He is strong, hard working, and isn't afraid to show his nurturing side for his son.

The sad thing about this image is that it was posted as a "parenting fail." Women see husband material. Insecure men judge good husbands and fathers and turn other weak, immature men into undesirables by pressuring them into mocking guys like this. A strong man would defend this guy, but so few do that we women feel guys like this are few and far between. How are we supposed to let our walls down when we feel like men we can trust with our hearts and our children are an endangered species?

Listen, the whole attraction between men and women dates back to the stone age. It's a primal need to protect the gene pool and only pass on what will strengthen and promote the species.

When women go for the weaker male, it is because those women were taught they didn't deserve better, either by their parents or prior experiences. That glorious feminist movement comes into play again because the less confident woman who is afraid of a strong man will target those she can control, as per the chantings of NOW. Then those two undesirables get together and breed, producing offspring that will be raised by two losers to become yet another blight on society and our evolution. Unless, of course, that child is discovered by an intelligent benefactor that guides them to higher self. One look at the slums will tell you how often that doesn't happen.

Choosing the inferior male specimen is against nature, just as choosing the inferior female. Yes, it does go both ways. I am not lashing out at either gender more than the other. This is about understanding why we believe in a battle of the sexes and promote the notion to the fullest.

On Medieval Women...

St. Thomas of Aquinas,1225-1274, who was perhaps one of the great teachers of the period declared what was clearly a widely supported notion reagrding women:

"The woman is subject to man on account of the weakness of her nature . . . Man is the beginning of woman and her end, just as God is the beginning and end of every creature. Children ought to love their Father more than they love their mother."

Medieval society, and particularly the powerful domains of church and state, clearly had no place for well-educated women.

This attitude is well-embedded into every woman's genetic code - women as marketable tokens and breeding machines, rarely more, sometimes less. For many years, daughters were only good for birthing bloodlines and acquiring desired land via marriage. There was no consideration to the girl, not for her age or wishes or well-being in the home of a potential abuser. She was expected to then mass-produce sons, often times with little regard to her health. Sex was a pleasurable game for men and a painful chore for women.

Any scientist will tell you that our cultural past carries through our genes to future generations. It isn't as though we know what our great-great-great grandmother did on her 16th birthday. It's a passed on mentality, experience that carries along the bloodlines to aid in the human evolution. It's why animals today behave in certain ways reminiscent of their prehistoric ancestors, and it's how today's giraffe has the long neck for reaching trees its ancestors had to stand on hindquarters to eat. Evolution is a slow process and every social change impacts our future generations in ways we cannot see. Thanks to the creation of written language, we can compare our culture today with that of 10,000 or 800 years ago, giving us a hint of where we are going and into what we are evolving. It behooves us all to strive to be the best and to seek out the best for a partner.

In that image above, some women saw a "mother" instead of a wife. Even the man who posted it on the What Evolved Women Want page wasn't fond of it and referred to the woman being described as "mom." Although I have disagreed with some of this opinions, I like most and I enjoy the sociological research his page offers. I understand why he and other women commenting say this is more of a mother figure, and seeing so many men on the Men's page upset over not finding her convinces me of the number of men seeking a mommy rather than a soulmate.

That being said, I don't see anything wrong with being those things for a man you love. It's a partnership. I think the interpretation is a personal thing. When I read "support him when he's broke," I don't see what others do, that it means the woman works to financially support her deadbeat husband. I see it to mean emotional support and not giving up on him for not being rich. If he is making an honest effort to better his life and is on that path, why abandon him? Doctors and lawyers aren't rich when they are in school. I've known many who slept on their mom's couch, crashed wherever they could - even in their old rusty car, ate Ramen noodles every day, and borrowed books and school computers to study. These men were broke but later became surgeons and attorneys in luxury homes with high-end cars and kids in private school. I'm sure the women who ditched them for being broke kicked themselves later.

Helping a man achieve his goals and pushing him to be successful seem to mean to some that the woman is his crutch and has to constantly nag him to make something of himself. Again, I don't see it that way. I expect a man to be strong, but I also know he is human. Every single one of us needs someone in our lives to believe in us. Someone who won't let us sink into a state of mind of being some imagined failure for making a mistake or not succeeding in a goal. The real world is dog-eat-dog. Why do we have to make it harder on a man who is trying his best to provide for his family by not being his personal cheerleader? That is our job, regardless of what NOW wants us to be. It is inconsiderate, cruel, and selfish to expect a man to be his best and give us the world but refuse to emotionally and mentally support his efforts to do so. That is the very definition of a spoiled brat, not an evolved woman!

Likewise, women need the same support from the men in their lives. We need to know he cherishes us as not only a domestic partner but as a partner in life. We need to know that we are giving ourselves - mind, body, heart, and soul - to a man who will be strong enough to emotionally support our goals and not feel threatened or intimidated by our accomplishments, a man who will be compassionate to our emotions, a man who will stand by us when we feel we are no longer young or beautiful, and a man who will never make us feel inferior to anyone else. We need to feel his strength when we are weak so we feel safe to let go and break down for a moment after being strong for others. We always get back up after falling down, but it's much easier if the man in our life doesn't make our breakdown worse by yelling or becoming impatient or argumentative. Men are so confused over our sometimes erratic behavior, but they would be surprised just how far a gentle hug and tender kiss on the forehead goes. Really, sometimes that's all we need to catch our breath.

Because of our historical past, women are afraid of letting go and trusting men to treat us with respect. We have built up a steel cage around our hearts to protect us from being taken for granted and being taken advantage of. It isn't our fault we feel that way, especially with crude behavior and attitudes of the men around us. What is our fault, however, is not speaking up about it. We continue to expect men to guess what's wrong. We say, "If you love me, you would know!" To that, if I were a man, I would say, "If you love me and want what's best for our relationship, you would talk to me so we can work it out."

Which brings me to the man's role in this.

Too many men shrug their shoulders and walk away when something is wrong. They may ask, "What's wrong?" but then they don't persist when we say, "Nothing." Men don't like to talk and women do. It isn't hard to figure out how a relationship can be made better.

Men need to learn how to listen and converse, and women need to learn to open up and let them in. However, a woman isn't going to let any man in who doesn't earn her trust, and a man cannot earn a woman's trust if she keeps assuming he's going to hurt her and doesn't give him a chance.

The battle of the sexes only exists because we are all too afraid to call a truce. We fear each other's strength for different reasons. We fear our own inabilities being exposed. We fear being heart broken. We fear working hard for a good marriage only to be betrayed.

We cause the struggle between our genders by being untrustworthy. A man isn't going to trust a woman who always flirts with other men, even if it's "just for fun." A woman isn't going to trust a man who always looks at other women, even if he says, "I'm going home with you."

We cause the struggle by getting and not giving in return. A relationship is a two-way street. If you expect trust, you have to give it. If you expect affection, you have to give it. If you expect respect, you have to give it.

We cause the struggle by our behavior with our friends. Women aren't going to want a man who says things like "bros before hos!" Men aren't going to want a woman who keeps secrets with her friends. Men aren't going to want a woman who badmouths men to her friends. Women aren't going to want a man who tells jokes about women to his friends or laughs at such jokes.

We cause the struggle by refusing to act our gender. By nature, women are nurturers, organizers, and thinkers. By nature, men are protectors, hunters and gatherers. When we betray those roles, our natural instincts become both confused and threatened. We cannot be attracted to someone who makes us feel that way. Unfortunately, the way society has changed, women have to take on the role of husband and father, and many men have to take on the roles of wife and mother. It's the age of the single parent and 52% divorce rate. We brought this on ourselves for not communicating and for being too afraid to change.

Men, as soon as you see or hear degrading jokes about women, speak out against it. Defend women as the protectors you are supposed to be, especially if your own friends are disrespecting your partner. SHE is your responsibility. Not them. Women are to be respected and loved, cherished and made to feel wanted. Don't complain about your needs not being met if you make your woman feel like garbage and use your words and deeds to wither away her heart.

Women, when your friends are badmouthing men, suggest that men wouldn't be the way they are if women didn't go for the bad boy and leave the good guy out in the rain. When men try to be nice, it's the women who show them bad is better. Don't complain when you get stuck with an abusive womanizer after you pushed the knight in shining armor away.

As soon as we can learn to let go of our fears and trust each other, and as soon as we are willing to buck up and be better humans, this battle of the sexes will be another era in our history books, looked down upon like the Dark Ages by our grandchildren and their grandchildren. That won't happen unless we make the first move. I don't care what the man or woman beside you is doing. We are each responsible for our own actions, and the minute we start believing that and working to change ourselves for our own betterment, we will find each other to be that mythological "perfect" we were led to believe was only in a book.

Romance novels and porn are fiction. Don't expect men and women to be a scripted fantasy. Reality can be a thousand times more fulfilling if you give it a fighting chance.

SIDE NOTE:

I don't live in a fairy tale. I don't have rose colored glasses on

or live in a field of buttercups and rainbows. I know abusive men

exist and I know abusive women exist. We don't have the right

to condemn all men and women for the bad apples. There is no excuse

for abuse, no matter what the argument is. If you are so angry

with your partner that you feel violence is the answer, leave.

You don't belong together. I don't care what sense of obligation

you feel you have to a marriage, to kids, to parents, or anything else.

If you are abusive, your only obligation is to get far away from the people

you are hurting. If you are with someone who is abusive,

that person will NOT change. I don't care if your sister's friend's cousin's uncle